She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
