They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
