This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
