Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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