I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
