Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(770): View more from Georgia

she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.

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(914): View more from New York

Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life

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25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Read it at the TFLN blog
(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!

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(917): View more from New York City

Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.

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