I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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