I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I love you.
Bad choice
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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