I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
