Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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