I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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