Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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