So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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