Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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