my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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