I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
