I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
