i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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