I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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