Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
