She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They took my balls.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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