Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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