I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
