Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
