she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
