After last night, I could never be a politician.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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