I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
