also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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