I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
