Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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