My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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