how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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