i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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