My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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