We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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