last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
