I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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