I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
