So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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