if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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