So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
as a side note pls kill me
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