are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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