oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
