I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
