my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
