hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
