Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
