i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
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A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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