Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
