i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
