is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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