I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
