He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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