How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Randomize
