I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
