theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
