When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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