apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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