I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
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Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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