I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
