my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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