I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
